Quantum computers are being heralded by researchers and corporations as devices that will "revolutionalize" the way we understand our world. Nevertheless, we are not there yet, and today's quantum computers are affected by fundamental properties of the universe, namely "noise". I'll talk a bit about how and why this is; how it relates to contemporary theories around matter, mattering, and philosophy; and whether we should believe the hype around these devices. In what ways might we be able to think about quantum computers differently, askew to both those who would dismiss them entirely, as well as those who believe they will radically change everything? How might an approach informed by artistic practice, feminist and queer science studies, and hands-on experience with these machines offer an alternative to technopositivst narratives.